Do family members of abusers have a moral obligation to warn or tip-off new partners when they know their loved one has been abusive in a previous relationship? Do they have any responsibility to help if they become aware of the current relationship becoming abusive? Family members are uniquely placed because they can observe relationships from close by and they hold a unique position of trust with the abuser to exercise some influence if they do choose to confront them.

My son was conceived as an act of abuse. You read that right. Reproductive abuse is an often overlooked and deeply disturbing tool in the abuser’s toolkit. It is at once far more common than we realise and so difficult to recognise and prove that it’s not part of the language most of us use when talking about abuse. It’s also, tragically, a matter very close to my heart as my son was conceived as an act of abuse against me. Let me explain. Reproductive abuse is a form of

Many abusers use ‘humour’ to manipulate and control their victims. Often, these jokes start out so innocuously that victims don’t even notice them, at first, or even laugh along with their abuser at their own expense. My abuser regularly made fun of my appearance, what I ate, what I wore and how I parented my children. I think of myself as someone who doesn’t take myself too seriously and can give as good as I get, so it took me a while before I stopped laughing along wit

After my abusive relationship ended, I found out that there were a lot of people on the margins of my abuser’s life (acquaintances, former friends, neighbours etc.) who had long thought something was ‘off’ about my abuser. Words like ‘arrogant’, ‘boastful’, ‘sleazy’, ‘untruthful’ ‘money-grabbing’ and ‘manipulative’ came back from people who knew him, or at least interacted with him regularly enough to have formed such negative opinions. Understandably, those people dismissed

My abuser enjoyed taking compromising photos of me on his phone, often when I was unaware he was doing so. Once, I noticed him snapping photos of me from where he was sitting on the bed after I’d just come out of the shower and was getting dressed. I was heavily pregnant at the time. Taken aback, I asked him what he was doing and he showed me the nude photographs he’d just taken of me without my consent. Horrified, I told him to delete them immediately and made clear to him i

When we finally escape an abusive relationship, many victim-survivors get caught up in an endless cycle of “what if?” and ask themselves what they could have done differently to avoid being abused. This is called counter-factual thinking and it’s largely unhelpful. Even if we had acted differently – for example, if we had been more curious or assertive early on - we may still have ultimately found ourselves in the same position. The simple reason I entered into a relationship

I don’t judge people who minimise my abuse. I don’t judge people who ask how I could have missed the signs. I don’t even judge people who think maybe I deserved it just a little bit because I was stupid enough to keep forgiving someone until it got so bad. OK, maybe I do judge the ‘she deserved it’ crowd, because no one deserves to be abused, but I try really hard not to. Why? Because that person was me …once. I have always believed women. I have always held space for women.

We all take risks every day. Some big, some small. To try that newly opened restaurant, buy that new car or even that new home (most of us spend only minutes viewing houses, for example, before spending many hundreds of thousands of pounds on them) not knowing whether in time, these choices will become a blessing or a curse. We get on planes knowing there is very small chance they will fall out of the sky. We get behind the wheels of our cars, knowing we could get hit by a dr

“She must have known” “There must have been red flags” “Why did she get involved with her abuser in the first place?” The reasons why and circumstances in which victims end up in abusive relationships are as varied as victims themselves. It’s impossible to explain simply how or why it happens to us without listening to our stories. Lend us some time and a listening ear and we may be able to dispel the notion that we knew our abuser’s true character and happily chose them an

#NoSafeHaven’s mission is to encourage small, day-to-day actions which go towards stamping out domestic abuse in our society. The key is that these steps are both safe and meaningful. Safety is the priority, because standing up to an abuser be dangerous and safety must come first. The good news is that standing up doesn’t have to mean saying anything at all. Positive action is as simple as not laughing when someone makes a disparaging joke about their partner. It’s turning aw

Tragically, I often see posts from other victim-survivors saying things like: “I feel so guilty. If I had stayed with my abuser, he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone else” or “Should I try to warn his next victim what he is really like so she doesn’t have to experience the same thing?” Most of us hold genuine concerns for the safety of our abuser’s next target. It has certainly played on my mind a lot. But it’s never our fault that an abuser chooses to abuse a person – whether

The absolute priority at #NoSafeHaven is safety. For many victims, reporting their abuser or indeed taking any obvious action could mean putting themselves and their children at risk of serious harm. It can feel impossible to stay and equally impossible to leave. Telling your abuser that you plan to leave them could escalate their abuse a thousand-fold. Leaving is the most dangerous time. So, what are victims supposed to do? There are no definitive answers. What worked for on

What if we refused to turn a blind eye to the harmful attitudes and behaviours of abusers and instead turned a cold shoulder to them? My guess is, things would change. Not overnight, but slowly, steadily and meaningfully. One of the most difficult things for victims is realising that no one seems to care what they are enduring or have endured. What they went through is seen as just a ‘toxic relationship’ rather than a targeted and sustained campaign of abuse. Most often, it’s

As a former human rights lawyer, I stand by the guiding principle that giving one group of people rights doesn’t diminish or take away from the rights of others. Rights are like kindness or happiness or love: there’s no upper limit and you can keep creating more without taking away from what has already been given to others. Making one group of people in our community safer (religious minorities, refugees, trans people for e.g.) does not make other people less safe as it does

“Why should I report it if the police won’t help me anyway?” Many victims feel this way and it’s perfectly justified. Deep in a cycle of post-separation abuse which had involved the police, social services and ultimately the family courts, none had helped stop the cycle of stalking and harassment by my abuser. And I was one of the lucky ones in that I (unlike so many victims I hear from) felt I was believed by everyone I dealt with from the police officers who attended my h

As a former human rights lawyer, I’m the first person to support the high evidential thresholds and burdens of proof which must be surmounted to successfully criminalise people. Certain crimes and policing policies (including, for example, stop and search policies in relation to suspected drug possession) disproportionately impact minorities who are seen as ‘low hanging fruit’ by police and are too often used as tools for political point scoring. Still, as a victim-survivor,

False allegations are real. If you have been the target of false allegations of domestic abuse then you are also a victim of abuse. False allegations of abuse of any kind (domestic, sexual) destroy livelihoods, reputations and, tragically, end innocent lives. False allegations are also far rarer than you make them out to be. Victims of domestic abuse are rarely happy to admit they ‘fell for an abuser’. Admitting what happened to them is often deeply embarrassing, shameful a

We know that children are impacted by domestic abuse even where they do not directly witness abusive incidents. Children understand a lot more than we give them credit for from a very young age. Even if they’ve never heard a raised voice or seen a raised fist, they pick up on the tension, the calculated silences, the veiled insults left hanging in the air. When we don’t protect our children from abuse dynamics, we are at once teaching them how to treat others and teaching the

When is it our business or even our obligation to do something about abuse? We know that around 1 in 4 women are affected by domestic abuse and that children living in homes where domestic abuse is occurring are impacted even when they don’t directly witness abusive incidents. It’s therefore almost certain you know someone who is experiencing abuse right now - a family member, friend or colleague. It’s a tremendously difficult judgment call deciding whether or not it’s approp

#NoSafeHaven grew out of my own harrowing experience of domestic abuse. Like many victim-survivors, I had to find a way of turning my pain into purpose, of channelling my survivor's rage into something that just might help others. We need an army to achieve our common goal: ending conditions that allow domestic abuse to thrive in our homes, families and communities. As I embark on my own journey of healing loudly, I want you to know that you are not alone and nor am I. We sta