Safety first

The absolute priority at #NoSafeHaven is safety. For many victims, reporting their abuser or indeed taking any obvious action could mean putting themselves and their children at risk of serious harm. It can feel impossible to stay and equally impossible to leave. Telling your abuser that you plan to leave them could escalate their abuse a thousand-fold. Leaving is the most dangerous time.

So, what are victims supposed to do? There are no definitive answers. What worked for one victim-survivor may not work for another. Many of the things we are told to do as victims are totally ineffective at best, dangerous at worst: reporting to the police (who may do nothing at all or worse tip our abuser off or criminalise us), reaching out to social services (who may start intrusive child protection investigations), telling our families or friends (who may disbelieve us or even side with our abuser).

But we also cannot take no action, surely. After all, if the answer to the question of whether reporting your abuser will make your abuser more dangerous is ‘yes’ or even ‘maybe’ that is also a definitive answer to the question as to whether or not your abuser is safe to be around your children, at all: a resounding no!

         Here are a few small steps I might recommend as a starting point (some of which I took myself) which may be safe for you depending on your circumstances:

1.    Find a trauma-informed and, specifically, a domestic abuse-informed counsellor – not for you and your abuser, just for you. If it is safe to do so, and you can afford it or access a certain number of sessions free on your health insurance or the NHS, it may help you to sort some of the fact from fiction in your head and it may be this person can help you formulate a plan, safely and privately.

2.    Consult the professionals. This should certainly include a family law solicitor. Many offer free initial consultations but even paying for a single consultation may be worth it. You can talk through the ‘what ifs’ and get some advice as to how you’d handle those if it came to a court process.

What safety measures can I ask for if I leave? What are the likely outcomes for child arrangements? How seriously are the courts likely to take my abuse allegations? Only a family law specialist can give you any real answers to these questions (at least, from a legal point of view).

If you can, also hire an accountant or financial advisor for an initial session. It's important to know how much money you can access quickly and what assets, if any, are protected from your abuser.

3.    If you have a confidante, talk it through with them. Who could you stay with if it came to it? Who might act as an intermediary/third-party for contact with the kids if you left?

4.   Do you qualify for emergency housing or support? Rather than involving social services, can you call a housing helpline or women’s advice line for some advice or to chat. Unless they feel you are in immediate danger, they have a duty of confidentiality regarding anything you discuss with them - you don't even have to give your real name.

5.    Are you a member of any other community such as a faith or community group through which you may be able to discover resources and support? Whilst I am always heartbroken to hear stories from many survivors of faith that their faith communities upheld misogynistic beliefs or believed in the sanctity of marriage at all costs (even when one partner was harming the other) if you can seek solace and support in your faith community, do so. Any mechanism you have for support is worth reaching out to and sometimes churches, mosques and synagogues etc. might have their own charities for supporting families at risk of domestic abuse.

The idea is that sign-posting resources for yourself, talking things through, formulating plans hypothetically or even just knowing the different options you have in future may help you even if you’re not ready or able to take any immediate action.

Did you take any initial steps like these before you finally escaped? What, if any, helped you and what would you recommend to other victims still between a rock and a hard place?