Everyday people, everyday changes

After my abusive relationship ended, I found out that there were a lot of people on the margins of my abuser’s life (acquaintances, former friends, neighbours etc.) who had long thought something was ‘off’ about my abuser.

Words like ‘arrogant’, ‘boastful’, ‘sleazy’, ‘untruthful’ ‘money-grabbing’ and ‘manipulative’ came back from people who knew him, or at least interacted with him regularly enough to have formed such negative opinions. Understandably, those people dismissed his behaviours as none of their business or probably no big deal anyway – after all, being arrogant, whilst not very appealing, is not a crime.

But it got me thinking, if any of those people had said or done anything, however small, to express their disapproval of his ‘poor’ behaviours. whether it be not answering the phone to him, not inviting him to the pub or simply not smiling and laughing whenever he made small, disparaging comments about me or other women, could it have had some small impact on his behaviour over time?

Abusers get away with their behaviour because they can. This is not about blaming anyone. Most of us choose to turn a blind eye to things that aren’t our business, but it was the genesis of the #NoSafeHaven campaign. I wondered how we can all make tiny choices even in the most casual of interactions with others which discourage abuse rather than excuse or ignore it.

We can always send a message to abusers that abuse is never OK. It could be as simple as a facial expression – a blank look when they invite a laugh to condone a nasty put-down or a harmful attitude towards women. Small actions are powerful, especially when enough of us start doing them. Let’s start giving abusers the cold shoulder, rather than turning a blind eye.