Hi, I’m Anna, founder of #NoSafeHaven.

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Welcome to our community where you, unlike your abuser, will find a safe haven and be seen, heard and believed.

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In late 2023, full of trepidation, I signed up to a dating site. At the time, I was a single mum of two young children and was working as a human rights lawyer at a leading civil liberties firm in London. I was a week shy of my forty-second birthday when I went on my first date with a man I met on that site. He was a divorced father of two who seemed to be on good terms with his ex-wife (no ‘crazy ex’ stories in sight, phew!) and totally devoted to his children. He had a respectable, well-paid job and I was hugely impressed when he told me casual dating simply wasn’t for him, that he valued marriage and, ultimately, hoped to marry again, in future. Of course, I tried to play it cool, but inside, my heart was singing. Especially as, totally unexpectedly, I was also wildly attracted to him. Of course, from those earliest days, there were a few ‘red flags’, but no one is perfect, least of all me, and so just as I do with everyone I meet in life, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

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If you had told me in the early months of our relationship that this man, who seemed so promising, would go on to physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially and reproductively abuse me, I would have laughed you out of the room. If you’d told me I’d forgive him (several times) after he began abusing me, I’d have laughed even harder. That wasn’t who I was. I knew about domestic abuse and I had a zero-tolerance policy towards it.

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Turns out, it was who I was. I fell into the familiar cycle of confusion, hope, forgiveness and the escalation of abuse as so many victims do. It was only after the relationship ended that I began to see the whole picture, by which time, I was deep in the horrors of post-separation abuse including stalking, harassment and financial and litigation abuse. Like so many victim-survivors, I was re-traumatised by my interactions with the police, social services and family courts as I sought protection from my abuser.

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Sitting amongst the wreckage of my life, holding my abuser’s newborn son and asking myself what had happened to me, how it had happened and why, what emerged along with my greater understanding of abuse was complete disbelief that someone could get away with so many harmful behaviours in full view of their family, friends and community, yet carry on with their life unscathed.

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We know abusers, at their core, are bullies and that bullies need a crowd behind them in order to feel safe enough to continue their harmful behaviours. Abusers usually abuse behind closed doors, where no one can see them. But out in the community in their everyday interactions, abusers test the waters constantly to see how much they can get away with. They seek our reassurance that we won't call them out on their harmful views on women or on their aggressive and intimidating behaviours.

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Have you ever raised your eyebrows when someone spoke disparagingly about their partner or women in general, but said nothing out of politeness or a desire to keep the peace? Have you ever tutted under your breath when someone told you they weren't planning on paying child maintenance because their ex-partner didn't deserve it (rather than reminding them it's for the child)? Have you ever laughed awkwardly out of embarrassment when someone told you a tasteless joke with misogynistic undertones? I know I have, even when inside, I felt sick. My younger self didn’t have the confidence to stand up to someone in those situations so saying and doing nothing felt easier. Whilst now, I might say something, choosing not to laugh or play along can be an equally powerful way to express disapproval. It really is as simple as keeping a neutral facial expression when someone invites a laugh or a smile, as those can indicate your tacit agreement that their behaviour is acceptable.

 

That’s what this movement is about: we can all stand up in small, safe and meaningful ways to send a clear message to abusers that their harmful views and behaviours are not safe with us. Let's offer #NoSafeHaven for domestic abuse.

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Please note that whilst most of the blog posts on this website are written from the perspective of a female victim-survivor because that's what I am, we welcome victim-survivors from all backgrounds regardless of race, religion, sex or gender expression.