All the what ifs in the world...

When we finally escape an abusive relationship, many victim-survivors get caught up in an endless cycle of “what if?” and ask themselves what they could have done differently to avoid being abused.

This is called counter-factual thinking and it’s largely unhelpful. Even if we had acted differently – for example, if we had been more curious or assertive early on - we may still have ultimately found ourselves in the same position.

The simple reason I entered into a relationship with my abuser is because I liked him and was attracted to him. As we always do when we want something, we come at it from a position of confirmation bias: we are seeking to confirm reasons why we should continue towards our goal rather than reasons why we should abandon it.

Yes, I actively questioned quite a few early (and seemingly minor) red flags. Each time I did, I arrived at the conclusion that these were ‘no big deal’ and that if I wanted this relationship to work, I would have to accept my new partner’s eccentricities.

Even if I had decided he wasn’t for me based on my early ‘concerns’ about his character, I can still say in all honesty that none of the ‘red flags’ I noticed early on could possibly have alerted me to the fact he would go on to become physically aggressive and dangerously psychologically manipulative.

We all have character flaws and, in most cases, giving someone the benefit of the doubt is the right thing to do. It just backfires with abusers.

Have you found yourself caught up in this type of counter-factual thinking? How did you overcome it?