A rock and a hard place

Tragically, I often see posts from other victim-survivors saying things like: “I feel so guilty. If I had stayed with my abuser, he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone else” or “Should I try to warn his next victim what he is really like so she doesn’t have to experience the same thing?”

Most of us hold genuine concerns for the safety of our abuser’s next target. It has certainly played on my mind a lot. But it’s never our fault that an abuser chooses to abuse a person – whether that be us or their next victim. It is certainly not our duty to continue to suffer by tolerating abuse so that others do not have to endure the same, and it may be very unwise to reach out to a new victim especially when they are in the throes of love-bombing as we once were.

Instead, I have some suggestions for how victim-survivors can make sure they are a safe haven for other victims (including their abuser’s new target) without putting their safety or sanity on the line. Share any others you know!

1.    Report your abuser to police (NB: safety is the priority and we recognise that sometimes this is not a safe option for victims): Reporting your abuser to the police may not achieve anything at all. Far too often, it doesn’t. However, reporting abusive incidents, if and when it is safe to do so, may be helpful. Oftentimes, the police record domestic call-outs as non-crime incidents. The police didn’t even speak to my abuser on most of the occasions I called them and call-outs that don’t result in an arrest usually don’t show up on a DBS check. That means that it is possible to report a DV incident without your abuser even knowing you’ve done so (but best to check when you call if you have safety concerns).

Reporting it may help you down the line if you end up in either a criminal or family court with your abuser. The fact of your report having been made will also potentially be disclosable to future victims of your abuser if you are in England & Wales under Clare’s Law which is formally known as the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS).

Clare’s Law gives both the right to ask and the right to know. It allows the police to release information about any previous history of violence or abuse a person might have in specified circumstances. You can make an application for disclosure about a current or ex-partner that you still have contact with. This is the right to ask. Under Clare’s Law the police also have the discretion to pro-actively disclose the fact a person has a previous DV record to those they consider at risk (for example, during a DV call-out by another victim). This is the right to know.

2.    Document the abuse: even if you do not feel safe to report the incident to police, still try to make a contemporaneous note of the incident if it is safe to do so. If you have video or audio recordings, store them somewhere safe. These may later be adduced in court with the court’s permission. Even a diary entry made at the time is better than simply relying on your memory of the event later on. Take photographs of any injuries.

We know that many abusers monitor their victims’ phones and regularly rifle through their personal effects so this may not be safe for some victims still living with abuse. If you can’t store these items yourself, see if you can send them to a family member or friend instead of at home or on your own phone. If you have solicitors, they can store them safely on file for you (though be aware there are data retention limits that law firms comply with and they won't usually hold your documents indefinitely, though they ought to let you know before this expires and offer to send you back your documents).

3.   Tell someone: Even where you cannot report or even document the abuse, consider whether you feel able to tell a trusted confidante what you are going through. Many of us feel too ashamed to disclose abuse at first, and if you do find the courage to tell someone, it may not be someone in your innermost circle for various reasons (often, our inner circle of friends and family were also ‘groomed’ or brainwashed by our abusers in the early days of our relationship and they often struggle to believe the abuse is happening to us at first). But if you have someone you feel you can tell, do so. It can relieve some of the weight of what you are carrying in that moment, but it’s also crucial protection. If no one knows about the abuse except you and you do (God Forbid) come to serious harm at the hands of your abuser, who will be your truth-teller when it matters most? This person may also be willing or able to provide a witness statement for you in criminal or family court down the line.

4.  Advocate: again, this looks different for everyone. Some people may not wish to advocate or may not be able to do so safely. Some do so anonymously, some in their own name. Some create public support groups via Facebook pages and websites. Others take to the streets by joining protests. Some quietly sign online petitions, or write to their MPs (if your jurisdiction doesn’t have a Clare’s Law equivalent, for example, ask your MP to lobby for one!). But advocating doesn't have to mean any of those things. It can be as simple as becoming a safe space for other women who have been abused. You are uniquely placed to offer support to others experiencing abuse as you know their pain. There are a million and one ways to advocate for yourself and other women. Find the right one for you. Survivor’s rage is real and finding a way to pay it forward can be a great way to channel your pain into purpose [See Grace Tame’s excellent Ted talk about grooming and sexual abuse which also talks about how she turned her anger into courage and hear fear into conviction].

All of these things help to make the world safer for other victims, including your abuser’s next victim. Whilst she may never get in contact with you directly or even be aware of the individual efforts you have made, you know that you have contributed to making things safer for her too. And you never know, you and she may end up sharing war stories one day.