Domestic abuse is child abuse

We know that children are impacted by domestic abuse even where they do not directly witness abusive incidents. Children understand a lot more than we give them credit for from a very young age. Even if they’ve never heard a raised voice or seen a raised fist, they pick up on the tension, the calculated silences, the veiled insults left hanging in the air. When we don’t protect our children from abuse dynamics, we are at once teaching them how to treat others and teaching them what to tolerate themselves.

Many children don’t show overt signs of growing up in abusive households. Whilst some may act out at school or develop a tendency to bully others, some may simply become more withdrawn, or a high-achieving child may begin to struggle academically. Many lose their interest in activities they previously enjoyed, or their light may simply be dimmer.

But how are protective parents supposed to protect their children from this when we know how lacklustre the responses of police, social services and the courts are and that the system is more likely to become your abuser’s weapon than your shield?

Going back to basics helps. Try not to retaliate or engage in tit for tat behaviours with your abuser. That harms the children (after all, don’t we try to teach them it’s not an eye for an eye), and also means that if you do ever end up in court with your abuser, you’re less likely to feed the unfortunate narrative that so many protective parents fall foul of that they were ‘just as bad as their ex’, ‘that they were alienating the children’ or that ‘they were difficult and uncooperative’.

Grey rocking is a tactic many swear by, though I admit I found it near impossible myself. It’s a method that promotes giving your abuser as little encouragement in their abusive behaviours as possible even where you’re forced to interact with them. For example, if they tell you something designed to provoke you, simply say ‘OK’ or ‘understood’ and ignore the rest. Keep a neutral facial expression. Do the bare minimum to facilitate the handover or discussion. Your reaction is their fuel, give them nothing to work with.

Where possible, trusted third parties from either family (who both parents and your children trust and are happy to involve) could act as go-betweens to pick up or drop off kids safely and minimise interactions between you. Where that isn’t possible, parenting apps and family contact centres can reduce or even entirely remove your need to engage directly with your abuser. Look into every possible alternative to both meet your obligations as a parent and keep yourself and your children safe.

Self-help methods such as entirely preventing contact should be a last resort and used only where you genuinely fear for your or your children’s immediate safety, in which case I encourage you to reach out to authorities even though their response may not be as you would wish.

Which brings us back to: report, document, record, where safe to do so. Recording and reporting acts of abuse against both you and, if applicable, your children may help you down the line. It doesn’t have to mean calling the police. It could be simply documenting things and putting them away for posterity. Even telling someone at the time is helpful. Don’t carry things alone in your head.

Abuse of children also doesn’t have to mean verbal or physical assaults on them. A non-resident parent being manipulatively unreliable with contact arrangements over a long period of time also impacts your children’s self-worth: document their reactions to it if possible. If they are waiting all dressed and ready to go by the door for a parent who never arrives, make a short video. With your child's permission, take a photo of anything they write in their diary or journal as evidence that ‘daddy made me feel sad again today’ when he didn’t show up for the umpteenth time.

This is very powerful stuff, although, of course, it must be genuine rather than staged and only your legal team can advise you down the line on what would help and what might hinder. But as a rule of thumb, if it doesn’t exist at all, it can’t ever be used as evidence.

Language is important. Teach your children how to use language precisely and respectfully. Teach your children how to safely and meaningfully walk away or turn away from abusive behaviours. Tell them it’s OK to physically walk away from someone who scares them or is hurting them if it is safe to do so and that it’s OK to tell someone – whether that be you, a teacher or a trusted friend or family member.

Teach them but also show them. Choose your own words precisely and respectfully (I know how hard this is when you’re in the thick of it with your abuser, we are only human, after all). Walk or turn away from abusive behaviours or language in front of your children and tell them what you are doing and why: ‘we’re leaving now because XX wasn’t speaking to us respectfully or wasn’t treating us as they would wish to be treated.’

Lily Tomlin, the American actor and comedian, famously walked off a chat show stage when her husband at the time said she was “the most beautiful animal” he owned. His comment drew gasps from the audience. Her refusal to be spoken to in this way on such a public stage was impactful.

Whilst many of us may not feel able to simply get up and walk away from our abusive partner at an important family gathering, we can still find ways to challenge the abusive words and attitudes where we feel it is safe to do so. We can say ‘it’s not OK to speak to me like that, I’m leaving the room now,’ or ‘please use more respectful language.’

We can help our children to articulate their own boundaries and needs from early on. For example, phrases like ‘we don’t own other people’, ‘we must use respectful language even when we feel angry’, or ‘we must respect other people’s boundaries’ are important things for children to learn. It gives them the linguistic tools to set their own boundaries and keep themselves safe.

Even in the thick of abuse, there are things we can do as protective parents to help our children navigate away from rather than towards abusive relationship dynamics.

What have you done to help your children feel safer?