The problematic nature of victimhood

Challenging stereotypes and our own negative perceptions can be tough, but it’s the only way to move towards a future free from domestic abuse. Ever heard of “perfect” and “problematic” victimhood?

A perfect victim is someone who is considered totally innocent, who could never be seen to have done anything to contribute towards or be deserving in any way of abuse and whose character doesn’t detract from the unimpeachable nature of their victimhood. A young child is a perfect victim.

A problematic victim is more challenging to get behind. What if a victim of abuse was also a drug addict or a sex worker? What if they had a violent past? What if a victim of abuse knew they were being abused and stayed anyway? What if they actively lied to protect their abuser? What if they put their children in harm’s way by remaining in an abusive relationship? The reality is that it doesn’t make these people anything less than what they are: victims of domestic abuse. They are victims because an abuser chose to abuse them.

Most of us are in some way ‘problematic victims’ in the eyes of others. The bottom line is that nobody deserves to be abused. Maybe we did things that provoked our abuser (it doesn’t excuse their abuse); maybe we stayed too long (it doesn’t excuse their abuse); maybe we lied to protect their image and ours (it doesn’t excuse their abuse); maybe we exposed our children to harm longer than we should have (it doesn’t excuse their abuse). Most of us could have left sooner or done things differently. It doesn’t excuse our abuser’s abuse. Let’s concentrate on what unites us rather than divides us. Let’s leave #NoSafeHaven for domestic abuse.