Secrets, lies and alibis

This movement is, in part, about challenging the perceptions we all have about victims of domestic abuse. In doing this work, I am constantly challenging myself as I am no more immune to adopting harmful stereotypes than the next person – we are all only human and products of our environments, after all.

I know, intellectually, that there are myriad complex reasons why victims may lie to protect their abusers, sometimes for many years. Sometimes, it’s out of fear: their abuser may threaten them or their children with physical or other harm if they tell the truth about what is happening behind closed doors. Abusers may threaten to take their children away. But sometimes, it’s not that clear cut. The reasons victims protect their abusers are often far more subtle.

They may fear becoming a single parent or how much they will struggle financially without their abusive partner’s support. They may think it’s worth suffering abuse themselves as they think of their abuser as a ‘good father’ and don’t want to paint him in a negative light for their children. They may fear the reactions of their family, friends or faith groups or know that there will be little support for them in their community if they speak up about the abuse or try to leave. They may still have feelings of love or loyalty towards their abuser because they shared a lot of ‘good times’ before things turned bad. They may fear being criminalised themselves as they may also have engaged in abusive behaviours when ‘fighting back’ against the abuse. There are as many reasons why victims protect their abusers as there are victims.

I am the first to admit that I have my own internal list of ‘acceptable’ and ‘problematic’ reasons to lie for an abuser. It's similar to the way we all create images of ‘perfect’ and ‘problematic’ victims in our heads, even when most of us fall squarely between the two extremes.

Still, as a woman who stands with other women against domestic abuse, what I know for sure is this: whatever your reason for having previously protected or even actively lied for your abuser, and even if I am uncomfortable with or actively disapprove of those reasons, I still stand with you because it doesn’t make you any less of a victim. You are a victim of abuse because your abuser chose to abuse you. It really is as simple as that.