Is it even abuse?

Trigger warning: this post may be highly triggering for some readers.

The focus of this movement is not abusers. It’s victims and their stories. It’s about empowering us all to recognise and stand up to domestic abuse, to set aside our misconceptions and outright prejudices and come together against abuse.

A question that comes up a lot for both victims and the general public is ‘was it really abuse?’ That depends on how we view domestic abuse as opposed to other types of violent or aggressive behaviours. Are there even any differences? Some may think not, but this post seeks to acknowledge those amongst us who may have lived through isolated incidents of violence or aggression from their partners and who have been able to work through those and considers whether there is a line between abusive behaviour generally and domestic abuse as a pattern of behaviour.

You’d be surprised how many couples may admit that in the course of a marriage which may have spanned many decades, there were isolated incidents where either they or their partner ‘snapped’, ‘lost control’ or ‘acted out of character’. This could have resulted, for example, in one of them slapping or punching the other, or throwing an object during an argument. If things like this happened once, twice or even three times in a thirty-year marriage, is this abuse?

I think the answer is that those individual incidents were abusive behaviours. Each of the examples I give constitutes an assault, at least at common law. However, I posit that isolated abusive incidents which occur in a relationship do not necessarily make either partner an abuser or mean that the relationship is an abusive one. That is because abuse is a pattern of behaviour the primary aim of which is to control and dominate another person.

So how do you know if that is someone’s aim or if they just snapped? Look at their behaviour afterwards. Are they genuinely remorseful? Do they seek to alter their behaviour? Do they understand something like this must never happen again? Or do they move on as if nothing happened after proffering a superficial apology?

Partners who are not abusers will usually be deeply ashamed of and rightly horrified by any abusive behaviour for which they are responsible. They ought to learn their lesson – by removing themselves from arguments before they get to that point in future, for example, or by seeking help from therapists (whilst abusers respond poorly to therapy, people who act aggressively for other reasons may respond better). They will actively seek their partner’s forgiveness and attempt change.

Can relationships recover from such incidents? Well, they can and they do. As I say, if you could be a fly on the wall I think you’d be surprised at just how many people have experienced incidents like these and have stayed together, often happily.

A sustained pattern of domestic abuse is not something that can be ‘got over’ because abusers never stop abusing. They may shift their tactics, but it will usually only get worse. This is not to excuse any kind of abusive or aggressive behaviour even if it does only occur once. It is simply to recognise that whilst it’s never OK to physically lash out at anyone, some acts of violence are indeed isolated incidents rather than sustained patterns of abuse designed to control another human being. Understanding the difference may help both victims wondering if they are being abused and also those amongst us who think that just because someone has been violent or abusive in their relationship once, it doesn’t make them ‘an abuser.’

What are your thoughts on this?